Going Under

First off, I sincerely apologize. To the general public, I haven't blogged for quite a while; quite a massive departure from my lengthy once-a-night rants. To my good friends, whom I haven't seen in a while, and haven't been all there in the few times we've met up. To my family, whom I've ignored, since we live in the same house. To my boyfriend, who has asked me more than once to snap out of my depression. To all of you, I'm trying. In both senses of the word.

I'm not happy. My job is part of it. But beyond just whining about bitchy menopausal women killing me one snide comment at a time, there's also the fact that I'm starting to feel like life isn't worth living. I'm not about to off myself, but just sitting and staring into space seems like all I can bring myself to do nowadays. I'm forcing myself to blog because I'm hoping it'll jolt me into feeling something. But to be honest, I'm not even certain if the sentences coming out are coherent at all. Whether at the end of this I'll have said anything worth saying, or am I just once again putting up a show for everyone. Yes, I'm ok people, just go on with your happy lives and leave me be because I can't make myself smile anymore, and I don't want to have to explain myself.

It doesn't help that it's fucking Chinese New Year in about two days. Tomorrow's the reunion dinner, thankfully just my parents and I and Elton. I'm dreading meeting all my relatives because I don't want to have to answer the usual questions. I don't know when Elton and I will get married. I don't like my job. I don't know why I've grown fatter. I really would like to just stay in bed and do absolutely nothing. Can we all just pretend that I have some kind of violently contagious disease?

I don't fear the emptiness, mainly because I try not to think about it when I'm normal, and once it comes on, it numbs me and I don't feel anything anyway. Well, anything nice anyway. Andy came back from Vietnam with his girlfriend, Tin, and first thing I do when I see him is to start crying and think of the fact that he'll be going away again. Nice way to welcome a friend home.

I know it frustrates Elton, because he's not used to me being so dead. It isn't easy being with someone doesn't respond. You start taking it personally, like she's not smiling because she's angry at you. That's not the case. It feels a little like wearing a mask. You just can't seem to express yourself. It seems like such a colossal effort to just grunt.

Maybe I should do something meaningful with my life. Like go build schools in Cambodia, or volunteer at an orphanage. Maybe a bit of schadenfreude might give me purpose.

All I know is, I need something to happen fast. The dark days are getting longer. I'm not sure if I can return from the other side anymore.