Hob-Nobbing

I've always regarded "networking" to be a dirty word, mainly because it has such slimy connotations. In all likelihood, the term is the brainchild of some socially retarded kiasu person who desperately wants to make it big in the business world but lacks the ability to just easily make friends with others. Unfortunately, because so very many people are also badly socialized, it has clawed its way into everyday vernacular.

How shall I put this...it's disgusting if you get to know people based on what they can do for you. Don't lie to yourself, we can tell when you're just cataloging our usefulness and when you're genuinely interested in us as people. Perhaps some people are so good at it that they can make you think they're for real, but for the most part, you can tell, by how their face lights up if you mention your connections or by how they tune you out when you talk about other things.

So having to listen to some guy with an overinflated ego go on and on about how I need to network and utilize my network and open up new sources of revenue by expanding my network made me damn near want to strangle him by his lanyard.

I'm not entirely certain why, but for some reason, all the interviews I've been to have one commonality; my interviewers seem to love talking. As in, I answer maybe two questions, at the most, then they take over and start a monologue on some topic or another, which I have to politely nod and make affirmative noises to. On the bright side, I usually get the job even if I didn't get to do any verbal acrobatics. It's usually the ones where they don't talk much that turn out not so well.

As much as I'd like to deny it, I think a large part of the deal gets settled the moment you walk through the door, shake their hands and introduce yourself. That initial meeting, where you make eye contact, is when the magic happens. If they hate you then, it's hell to turn things around. If they're ok with you, then the rest of it is just confirming that you're a normal, responsible person. If they like you to begin with, then you have to screw up big time after that to lose the position. Of the interviewers I've met, only one didn't seem to judge me straightaway. In fact, she took a long time to talk to me, except I wanted the position so bad I think I came across like some desperate stalker person.

One of the comments I often got from senior crew members was that I needed to smile more. I have a serious face, so sue me. But I realize that the whole smiling thing actually does help. It's infectious, and it makes the other person subconsciously smile as well, which triggers endorphins, which makes them think of you in a good way. If you want people to like you on sight, learn to smile and radiate goodwill. When your smile conveys, "How great is it to see you!" to the other person, they're just going to like you, unless you overdo it and they think you're trying to sell used cars.

And mind you, it's all in the eyes, so stop stretching your lips like they're made of plasticine. Speaking of eyes, get your glasses changed or wear contacts. I should be able to see your eyeballs and not two gleaming panes where your eyes are. We feel uncomfortable when we can't read someone's eyes.

In all human interaction, we can always spot a fake. Someone who doesn't give a shit until key terms like, "my summer villa in Seychelles" are mentioned. I'm not saying you have to go in with the intention of making friends, but at the very least, fake it well enough that you don't just perk up when such things are mentioned.

And faking it means acting blasé about wealth and status. Act like you don't even care. But if the topic of work comes up in the conversation, just take a note, maybe mention something like, "So you run a small business, eh? Well, I'm working for this bank, and we've got this new loan/insurance/whatever specifically for small businesses. If you're interested, I can go over it with you another day." then MOVE ON. Talk about something else, ANYTHING ELSE. The trick is to get them laughing, get them loving your company, then as a parting shot, exchange namecards, talk about meeting up for something else because their company was so lovely, NOT because their bank account is so alluring.

It's like dating women. The less you make a big deal about how attractive she is, the more she's likely to be interested in you. Fact. It's that one attribute that everybody gets so hyped up about, so the more you ignore it, and the more you get her to like you otherwise, the more likely she'll want to rub your face in it. Reverse psychology at its best.

Heck, it's like dating men.This is trickier though, you have to pretend like you're pretending not to give a damn. Lost me? It's about showing 10 percent interest, 90 percent nonchalance. Just enough to give them hope but not enough that they lose interest in the chase. Of course, this strategy changes depending on the guy. Oddly enough, women are easier.

Networking, minus the negative connotations, really just means getting your friends to buy your stuff. That's all. But the key thing is friendship. If there isn't at least some positive feeling on both sides, then really, your so-called networking is no more than you flagging down people at a roadshow. At least that's a lot more honest.