It's All In Your Mind

A nice lady met with me on Saturday and listened to my tale. She asked me a number of pointed questions, made me examine what was going through my head, and gave me a clarity I didn't expect. I won't say I'm filled with joy about life, but I'm functioning more properly now.

One of the most important things she told me was something about a cognitive behaviour theory or something like that, which is the idea that towards any given stimuli, we develop thoughts about it, which influence how we feel about it, and result in us acting in a certain way towards it.

For example, some guy steps on your foot. You might think he stepped on it on purpose, which would make you feel angry, and might lead to you picking a fight with the guy. Or, you might think it was just an accident, which would make you brush it off, and go on to live your life like nothing happened.

She said the important thing is to catch ourselves at the thinking stage, and to develop different thoughts about the stimuli instead of going with just one, especially if the initial thought was a negative one that's going to lead to badness. Clearly, those aren't her words, since "badness" most likely isn't a term they'd encourage a trained counselor to use.

But of course, that's not always going to happen, so instead of stewing and letting the bad thoughts build up, it's important to communicate what's bugging you to the person involved. Because sometimes, it's really just a misunderstanding. Sometimes, the other person doesn't know what the fuck just happened, or why you're so angry.

And of course, there's a bad way of communicating and a good way of doing so.

You could storm up to the foot-stomper and say, "Hey, motherfucker, you don't go stepping on no people's foot!" (I don't know why, but the belligerent ghetto speak is the way I picture most verbal challenges. I think it's just too much American TV shows.) That'll most likely lead to the other person being defensive and getting aggressive back.

Or, you could go up and say, "Hey, you stepped on my foot." Most people would probably apologize, but if they get all snotty and go, "So what?" then refer to the earlier paragraph.

But the point is, but telling the other person what is bothering you, you stop the mind games. You stop picturing what might have been, you stop harping about the thing all day. You get it off your chest, you see what actually happens, and that's that. You let it go.

The other day, I picked up someone's handphone while walking along the street with Elton (he claims he saw it too, but I doubt it). So again, like the good samaritan that I am, I called the last dialled number with the intention of giving it back. Fortunately, last dialled number was Home, so that made my job a little easier.

Unfortunately, that was the end of the easy part.

The woman who picked up was most likely in her fifties, Chinese, and incredibly belligerent. The conversation we had was in Mandarin and quite fraught with difficulties, and it had nothing to do with our command of the language.

Woman: "Ha-low!"
Me: "Er, hello, I found this phone and I'd like to return it."
Woman: "Who are you?"
Me: "I'm just a passerby. I found this phone and I thought I'd give it back."
Woman: "Why are you calling?"
Me: "....I was walking along the street, I saw this handphone on the ground, and I called this number with it so that I can give it back."
Woman: "What are you talking about? What phone?"
Me: "This handphone that I'm using right now, this black Samsung handphone that I think belongs to maybe one of your kids or something!"
Woman: "Who are you?"
Me: "I'm just a passerby, you won't know me even if I told you my name, right?"
Woman: "What do you want? Why are you calling?"
Me: "Why are you being so fierce? (Because she was raising her voice at me and I was just losing my patience.) I found one of your kids' phone, and I want to give it back."
Woman: "(Silence for a few minutes. Most likely wondering if I was some con artist her most likely grown kids warned her about.) I'll call my kids and check."
Me: "Fine. Then when I pick up, you'll know which one lost their phone."

It took about a minute, then the phone rang.

Woman: "Hello, Hui Hui ah..."
Me: "Ah, so Hui Hui lost her phone."
Woman: "(Silence) Oh, so you picked up her phone."
Me: (rubbing temples) "Yes. And I am trying to return it."
Woman: "Ok, I'll call my son. You wait for his call."

The important part about this whole convo I'd like to highlight is the part where I called her out for being a bitch. After I said it, I had a omgwtf did I just do moment. On the bright side, after I said it, it did get her to stop and think. On the even brighter side, after I said it, I felt damn good. I felt so damn good about it, I didn't dislike her at all despite the fact that she was just downright rude in her tone.

Elton didn't get how I was able to step out of it. He felt outraged that I pretty much got scolded for trying to do a good deed. I tried to explain that since she was probably one of those heartlander auntie types who watch those sensational TV shows and think that young people are out to cheat them of their money, she was probably just defensive because she thought I was a telemarketer or something. He insisted that age was no excuse for being a bitch or being just plain stupid (seriously, HOW many times can I tell you I'm just trying to return the fucking phone?!).

I honestly believe that if I did not tell her off, I would've ended the conversation with her feeling vindictive and angry. I may not have gone through with returning the phone. I may even have held the phone hostage while telling off whichever one of her progeny that showed up to collect it what a piece of work his/her mother was.

But it worked out fine. I felt vindicated once I expressed how I felt because the way she kept ripping into me made me felt bad about myself, like I'd done something wrong. By telling her she was acting like a meanie head, it made me realize that yes, it wasn't me, it was her. I took away the mind games because I wouldn't have to go on thinking what might have happened if I'd confronted her about her nasty behaviour because I did it.

And yes, I returned the phone.

I could go on at length with the discoveries I made with my therapist about why I act the way I do, but to be honest, if you've read this blog, you probably know them already. So why the heck am I paying some person $80 an hour to analyze me? Because it's not enough to just know what the problems are. Hell, I knew what the problems are. I just needed a way to deal with them.

It was pretty much like what I'd expected. There was a couch, there was my therapist in her shawl and glasses with a clipboard and much sympathetic "mm" noises. There was me, talking about my problems with the tears and the tissue. There was "tell me about your childhood".

And one of the things I realized looking back at it all, is that the reason why I didn't see what bothered me so much was my desire to be different. Fact is, my problems are bloody clichéd, and deep down, I know that, and it bugged me.

But, as Elton said, the reason why certain things are clichéd is because they are true. It doesn't make them any less of a problem or any less painful to go through. Just because there are other people out there with the same thing doesn't invalidate it or make it any less special. In fact, it's sort of the opposite.

The reason why that bugged me is that I guess I think I should know better. Because I can understand the issues therefore I should be able to rise above them. If that were true, nerds would rule the world.

So my very pedestrian problems are that I've stopped believing in my abilities, I didn't get loved enough as a kid, and I'm using those old patterns I observed as a child to view everything in my life, which is doomed for failure, because, to me, those aren't exactly the best years of my life.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, where everything innocuous becomes a sign of something bad. And I have to break out of that. My predictions may be true, but it's just a "may be". And rather than setting myself up for depression even before the events run their course, it's a lot healthier to look at other possibilities, think on the issue in different ways, and communicating about it if it continues to bug me.

I'm going to try it out. It may be just mumbo jumbo psychobabble bullshit, but it's made me feel a lot calmer than I have in days. And I've actually had cravings for food. Goodbye, Zen alcoholic hotdog.