Nerd Herd

Once upon a time, when I was still an adolescent, I worked in a game shop for a few months before joining university. During those few months, I sort of became a gamer, and sold over-priced plastic bits to unsuspecting nerds who probably didn't realize that owning a giant chunk of plastic molded to look like an alien spaceship and spending weeks putting it together and painting it would cost them valuable time that could otherwise be spent grooming themselves and looking for pussy. Then again, who knew what they did to the alien spaceship besides putting it together and painting it.

In any case, there was one time a woman and her female friend walked into the store. They were Chinese, older than me and relatively attractive, which was probably why the guys all suddenly became incredibly engrossed in their games. It wasn't so much that they weren't looking; they were just pretending not to, and they're bloody good at it. I hate to say that I pegged them in a hole very quickly, but I figured they were probably in their late twenties, execs of some kind, used to guys thinking they're attractive even though they're really just not ugly, probably graduated from NTU Business School or NUS Law or something along those lines, with absolutely no sense of humour and boyfriends who probably insist that they're cool even though they really aren't.

Small digression, why do guys always say that their incredibly uncool girlfriends are cool? And by uncool, I mean the sort who gets all uptight when NC16 jokes are made and who keep pushing their boyfriends to leave parties early because they don't know the people there and can't be arsed to get to know them. The sort who think that people who are too loud or too enthusiastic are bad when it's really just that they have about as much personality as a potted plant. Look, just because she's bangable or because she's the only woman who's willing to go out with you does not make her cool. It just makes her either a closet nympho or blind or heavily medicated.

Anyway, it was pretty obvious they weren't gamers from the disgusted curl of the lip and the slightly horrified and widened eyes and the stiff unchanging expression they sported. It was also pretty obvious they were there to get something for someone else. I attended to them, and proceeded to artfully stuff my entire foot into my mouth.

"Can I help you?" I asked cheerfully in my best helpful store clerk voice.

Non-gamer Woman turned and stared. "Uh, yeah, I'm looking for...uh, I think it's something to do with plastic soldiers that you put on tables."

"Ah, wargamer," I nodded knowledgeably, leading the ladies towards a particular wall. "We carry mainly two types of wargames, Warhammer, the fantasy version, and Warhammer 40,000, the sci-fi version." Blank looks. "Do you prefer swords and magic or spaceships and lazer guns?"

"Well, no, it's not for me, it's a present."

"That's nice," I beamed, attempting to build rapport. "For your son?"

That was when I realized that pegging people too quickly was a bad thing. For one, I'd thought they were incapable of more than maybe three facial expressions. She showed me The Glare, which was impressive. And I quickly showed her another sales clerk, who was a guy and knew more about little plastic guys.

Now that I think back on that story, I feel sorry for her. Dating a gamer, a wargamer, mind you, and braving the stench of the shop for his birthday. I can safely say she is uncool for a few reasons; one, she didn't know what he played. For another, she didn't do any research, just assumed that she could plonk down money, get him any random miniature and he'd be so happy and think she cared.

It may work for, say, random jock guy who was into kung fu films and you get him a random Bruce Lee poster. But when it comes to nerds, well, there's a reason why so many of them identify with The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Not only will they not appreciate you buying them a Necron army when they play Dark Elves, but they'll also tell you about it. Of course, then they'll grovel and say they appreciate it, so they don't lose the one girlfriend they've ever had in a long while, but truth is, they'll think a lot less of you and proceed to make their gaming a part of their life you will never enter. Kind of like the boys nights out regular guys have at pubs and seedy karaoke joints but a lot more nerdy.

Having dating two consecutive gamers for three years shy of an actual decade, here' are some pointers on how to care for your nerd.

Nerds are like the rose quartz of men; plentiful, but not exactly the best gemstone in terms of quality because there usually are major flaws in every chunk. And I mean chunk, because pigging out on easy to prepare and eat food and drinking high sugar energy drinks to plow through those late night raids in their online worlds usually results in horizontal growth.

But if you do manage to find one that is as close to perfect as it gets, hang on to him. Tight. Because with proper care, you can have faith that this one will last you a lifetime.

The good thing about nerds is that they don't have the time to cheat. Seriously, between you and internet porn, his sexual needs are satisfied, and his time allocated for the pleasures of the flesh is used up. That is not to say that they will definitely remain true to you. If the opportunity presents itself for a quick, no-strings-attached, not much prep work needed one-night stand, they may go for it. But they're not the sort to have a whole long sordid affair with another woman.

Other than the obligatory stuff like work or school or sleeping, he really just wants to go back to his games. There just aren't enough hours in the day, and gaming is time consuming stuff. Many a nerd relationship has ended because no girl likes feeling like a second class citizen to some pixels on a screen.

The bad thing is, that is also the most serious flaw in a nerd. If you can overlook it, you're golden. You can have your own time to go shop, hang out with the girls, do your own stuff while he games. But if you're the sort who wants together time 24/7, I think you ought to go date a teenager. They'll be so grateful they're getting sex you won't be able to pull them off you.

So if you're ok with him gaming for extended periods of time, then always remember, it's not just a game to them. This is metaphorical life or death for his ego. His avatar/character is a virtual representation of him, and he takes losses fucking seriously. I don't care how blasé he might act about it; if he walks away from a bad session having lost the game, he's not going to want to hear about your day, because that glazed over look in his eyes means he's replaying the session in his head and trying to figure out how to win.

And because it's so serious to him, respect his gaming time. Don't barge in, don't do the walk past scantily clad attempting to seduce him thing, don't force him to give it up. You really don't want to test his commitment towards his game, because it'll just end up with you feeling like a sack of potatoes in a G-string. He's had gaming forever, you only came along when? Sure, he'll choose you over gaming initially, but after the initial rush, he'll still go back to it. Don't feel insulted or think you're not good enough; it's not you, it's him. The nerd is not as base a creature as the jock, and part of that means he needs to feed his brain.

Some girls decide "if you can't beat them, join them". Please do not fool yourself. Seriously, if it's not for you, it's not for you. It's commendable for you to try, but if you're not happy doing it, then don't do it, because all that's going to result in is you resenting him.

I speak from experience here. I realize now that I cannot ever play wargames because I fucking hate minatures. I hate putting them together, I hate painting them, and I hate having to measure distances and bend down and squint to see if my mini can see your mini. I tried to bond with my ex (while we were dating) by painting a couple, but because he apparently possessed colour differentiation capabilities beyond the normal human eye and wasn't afraid of telling me I was doing it wrong, I think we were lucky to come away with that without me painting the walls with his innards. I mean, seriously, HOW many shades of white can you paint one skull the size of the nail on your smallest toe? How many shades of white CAN you see?

So I won't really say I'm a gamer, but I do play some games. Like RPGs, and even then very select ones. I try to leave Elton alone to play the games I don't like or have stopped liking, such as VtES. I actually enjoy watching him play his computer games while I read a book or play with my DS Lite, so there are some Saturdays when that's what we do. I know it sounds a little loser, like those Ah Lian girlfriends who sit next to their guy while they play arcade games, but it's quite entertaining seeing him scale walls like some Yamakazi dude in Assassin's Creed.

It's easy to start mothering your nerd. Resist the temptation, because you are his girlfriend, and there are distinct lines to be drawn in the roles that you play. The more you mother him, the more child-like he will become, to the extent where you find yourself taking care of him instead of vice versa. I guess some girls might prefer that, but it's not healthy. Men are never that far removed from their childhoods to begin with, nerds even less.

The best way to break out of this is by encouraging them to transfer a little of game life into real life. It's Mario who goes to rescue the princess, not the other way around. Be patient though, he may be a Level 50 Archmage in his game, but in real life, you'll most likely out-level him. So pretend you don't, let him be The Man, follow up with lots of praise, and that'll usually do the trick. If you like, you can even go "ding!" when he does something right and unlock new rewards like new lingerie or something like that.

There is something you should note though. Not all nerds are created equal. There are many many different kinds, the most extreme being the sort that should forever more be locked in their parents' basement and never see the light of day. Among nerds there are dumb ones too, and the combination of low intel and low charisma equals they will never pass the DC for normal social interactions.

Then there are the dateable ones who can pass for normal people, except they are pretty obsessed with games still. Elton belongs in this category. When he dreams, he dreams of how to build his VtES deck. When we go out, I can tell when he hasn't quite let go yet of the game because he just won't shut up about it. It's not so bad because he'll at least relate it all in a relatively entertaining manner.

Then there are those who just dabble. They play more than normal people, but they can let it go, and they can do other things, and they will always look at you if you walk past scantily clad. These, to be honest, aren't true nerds. They're just guys with a hobby. Other guy hobbies include going clubbing with the boys, drinking, gambling, philandering and shooting clay pigeons.

To be exact, Elton isn't really a nerd. He has nerdish ways, and he definitely has the obsession, but his roots were jock. Which is why I am still a little paranoid about him and women. Until, of course, he calls me to rant about how he spent five hours creating a character for Neverwinter Nights 2.